Gin Lane (A Romance)

A Cockernee wifey was slumped in the dirt,

Now and then sipping a tankard.

Her vision was blurry and her speech was slurred

Because she was utterly wankered.

Away up a rooftop, all covered in soot

A dashing young Cockernee fella,

Fancied this wifey, sat there in the muck

And so he serenaded her all a cappela:

"Gin! Gin! Glorious gin!

Makes me feel 'appy compels me to sing.

Good times will follow, when this booze 'ere I swallow

In me own filth I'll wallow, drunk on glorious gin."

This fair pearly queen he aimed to entice

Squinted up at the man on the roof

She mused that this geezer looked somewhat nice

as she swigged down some 50% proof.

She liked her a song just as much as a drink

And so winked at the bloke she'd just met.

on baby deer legs she got to her feet

And lifted her voice in duet.

"Gin! Gin! Marvellous gin!

Makes me feel 'appy compels me to sing.

Good times will follow, when this booze 'ere I swallow

in me own crap I 'll wallow, drunk on glorious gin."

From all over the city drunk Cockneys came

Twirling and dancing in tandem.

Dancing and singing they poured into Gin Lane

From East Hammersmith right down to Camden.

A Cockernee knees up of gargantuan size

they all came down there to rejoice,

These loved up piss artists and the drink that they drank

As they all sang aloud in one voice.

"Gin! Gin! Wonderous gin!

Makes us feel 'appy compels us to sing.

Good times will follow, when this booze 'ere we swallow

in our own crap we'll wallow, drunk on glorious gin."

With apologies to Flanders and Swann and the good people of London Town. I spent far longer on the above than I'm comfortable admitting, but, goddamit, it needed to be written.

Love and Fishes

Dave Denton

The Walrus Loves the Carpenter

The moon was shining on the sea,

Shining bright and white:

The walrus and the carpenter

Sat out in the moonlight

And this was very odd, because

it wasn't even night.

Carpenter licked his fingers clean,

And tossed an oyster shell

Now that their repast was now complete

His face, it suddenly fell.

Those oysters, they had trusted them,

And they'd not been treated well

"Walrus," he said, into his chest,

sniffing away a tear

"We did those shellfish a great wrong

that they can't forgive, I fear

As now they're stuck inside our guts,

Are we the bad guys here?"

Walrus's flipper reached behind

And gave his back a pat

"My joiner friend, there is no need

To feel like you're a rat.

We were hungry. They taste good.

And that's the end of that."

He lifted up the chippy's chin

and looked into his eyes

"Don't be sad', the Walrus breathed

And to Carpenter's surpise,

Butterflies swirled inside his tum

and something began to rise

His face and loins were burning hot,

Carpenter suddenly knew

That oysters are aphrodisiacs

And he'd had thirty two

He put his mouth to Walrus's

At which point things got blue.

I'll spare you the gory details

of all things done and said

For walrus/man love is not a thing

you want inside your head

Though I believe you can find such things

Out there on the web.

They lay there panting, side by side

After the deed was done,

For sex is hard when your new lover

Outweighs you by a tonne

But thanks to lube and harnesses

They'd had a lot of fun.

"I can't believe that happened,"

Carpenter happily sighed

"But I'm glad it did as now it means,

I've no reason now to hide

That I love an Artic mammal."

"That's great," the Walrus lied

You see, what he was thinking,

But didn't want to say,

Was that he felt himself a player.

Monogamy? No way!

He'd just hoped to scratch an itch,

And get his end away.

"Oh Wally," said the Carpenter,

"I think that you're the one.

Do you think our parents will understand?"

But answer came there none-

And this was scarcely odd, because

That fucker, he had gone.

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With all due apologies to the estate of Lewis Carroll. This is apparently what I do with my spare time.

Love and Fishes

Dave Denton

Tobias P Hump

Tobias P Hump sat there in a grump

His mouth hanging down near his knees,

His face like a midden – always a given -

A man that nobody could please.

He thought of the world and his lip curled

A frown settled across his face

His thinking was that all people were crap

Regardless of age, sex or race.

A November moon shone into the room

He realised he should head to bed

'Thank Christ that's all passed,' said Toby, downcast

Then added, 'I wish I were dead.'

Suddenly, BOOM! Light filled the room

Much to our Toby's surprise.

His bottom jaw, smacked off the floor.

He couldn't quite believe his eyes

There, robed in white, surrounded by light

One he didn't expect to see

(At least in this life) for it was his wife

The previously dead Deirdre

'Deirdre! Me lover! Significant other!

You've come for me! Oh, rapture! Oh, bliss!

I'm sure that you know, I'm ready to go

There's nowt left for me here that I'll miss'

'Divvant be daft,' ghost Deirdre laughed.

'Now shurrup and hear what I say.

You've a little more life, to try make things right

Don't wish those last few years away'

'But this worlds a dump,' wailed old Toby Hump

I'm knackered, Dee, near eighty seven

I'm done with this place. I've ran me last race.

I'm ready to join you in heaven'

'Toby, in life, I was your wife

And it behoves me to just let you know

You're never not cross and it's pissed off The Boss,

So you're off to the hot place below.'

'But how can this be? You don't really mean me?'

Tobias cried out in dismay

'I'm well behaved. I should be saved.

I ain't foreign, a commie or gay!'

'But don't you see hin'? It's that kind of thing

There's no love in a man who just hates.

Please see the light, and live your life right

Or you wont fit through the pearly gates'

Said Tobe, all a twitter, 'it's age made me bitter.

Me soul darkened even as me hair greyed.

And ain't it the truth, good's easy in youth?

Now I'm old, and I'm lost and afraid.'

'Don't talk out yer bum, you never was young,'

Scolded Deirdre before he could hug her.

'You know that I knew twenty year old you

You were still a cantankerous bugger

'Now, I must leave, so, please love, Take heed

and use your time left here to do right.'

Then, with a sigh, she waved him goodbye

And faded into the moonlight.

Tobias P Hump sat, shoulders slumped

Trying to process what just occurred.

It probably sounds strange, but he'd no wish to change

He'd continue to hate, undeterred.

For while it was true, Tobias Hump knew

That he really should change for his soul's sake

It would take lots of graft and he couldn't be faffed

It sounded too much of a ball ache.

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The opening few lines of the  above rhyme - I hesitate to refer to it as poetry - is one of those phrases that's been rattling round in my head for a good wee while. Whether or not it really needed to be expanded to sixteen stanzas I'm unsure, but I did. So there it is. Also, here's a doodle of Delirium from Neil Gaiman's Sandman, because why the hell not.

If you're in the mood for a more elegant use of words and pictures I did come across a short comic strip by a feller named Jeff McComsey, that I thought was reasonably nifty, depicting the fight between Oberyn and the Mountain from Game of Thrones last week (Warning: Spoilers. Obviously).

Love and Fishes

Dave Denton