Tobias P Hump

Tobias P Hump sat there in a grump

His mouth hanging down near his knees,

His face like a midden – always a given -

A man that nobody could please.

He thought of the world and his lip curled

A frown settled across his face

His thinking was that all people were crap

Regardless of age, sex or race.

A November moon shone into the room

He realised he should head to bed

'Thank Christ that's all passed,' said Toby, downcast

Then added, 'I wish I were dead.'

Suddenly, BOOM! Light filled the room

Much to our Toby's surprise.

His bottom jaw, smacked off the floor.

He couldn't quite believe his eyes

There, robed in white, surrounded by light

One he didn't expect to see

(At least in this life) for it was his wife

The previously dead Deirdre

'Deirdre! Me lover! Significant other!

You've come for me! Oh, rapture! Oh, bliss!

I'm sure that you know, I'm ready to go

There's nowt left for me here that I'll miss'

'Divvant be daft,' ghost Deirdre laughed.

'Now shurrup and hear what I say.

You've a little more life, to try make things right

Don't wish those last few years away'

'But this worlds a dump,' wailed old Toby Hump

I'm knackered, Dee, near eighty seven

I'm done with this place. I've ran me last race.

I'm ready to join you in heaven'

'Toby, in life, I was your wife

And it behoves me to just let you know

You're never not cross and it's pissed off The Boss,

So you're off to the hot place below.'

'But how can this be? You don't really mean me?'

Tobias cried out in dismay

'I'm well behaved. I should be saved.

I ain't foreign, a commie or gay!'

'But don't you see hin'? It's that kind of thing

There's no love in a man who just hates.

Please see the light, and live your life right

Or you wont fit through the pearly gates'

Said Tobe, all a twitter, 'it's age made me bitter.

Me soul darkened even as me hair greyed.

And ain't it the truth, good's easy in youth?

Now I'm old, and I'm lost and afraid.'

'Don't talk out yer bum, you never was young,'

Scolded Deirdre before he could hug her.

'You know that I knew twenty year old you

You were still a cantankerous bugger

'Now, I must leave, so, please love, Take heed

and use your time left here to do right.'

Then, with a sigh, she waved him goodbye

And faded into the moonlight.

Tobias P Hump sat, shoulders slumped

Trying to process what just occurred.

It probably sounds strange, but he'd no wish to change

He'd continue to hate, undeterred.

For while it was true, Tobias Hump knew

That he really should change for his soul's sake

It would take lots of graft and he couldn't be faffed

It sounded too much of a ball ache.

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The opening few lines of the  above rhyme - I hesitate to refer to it as poetry - is one of those phrases that's been rattling round in my head for a good wee while. Whether or not it really needed to be expanded to sixteen stanzas I'm unsure, but I did. So there it is. Also, here's a doodle of Delirium from Neil Gaiman's Sandman, because why the hell not.

If you're in the mood for a more elegant use of words and pictures I did come across a short comic strip by a feller named Jeff McComsey, that I thought was reasonably nifty, depicting the fight between Oberyn and the Mountain from Game of Thrones last week (Warning: Spoilers. Obviously).

Love and Fishes

Dave Denton