31 Lies I Tell About My Sister

Today is my sister's birthday, in honour of this and the fact that she's a game old bird I've decided to talk shit about her on the internet. Below are 31 facts about my diminutive sibling that may or may not be true, one for every year of her life

1) Our kid is banned from the town of Merthyr Tydfil. She refuses to tell us why.
2) Our kid ate her twin, provisionally named Ermitrude, while still in the womb
3) Our kid had a short lived rap career in the early 2000's under the  pseudonym Lethal Rizzle
4) Our kid doesn't know the difference between left and right and gets angry when you try to explain it
5) Our kid spends her spare time writing erotic Diagnosis Murder fanfiction, starring thinly veiled self inserts.
6) Our kid self identifies as a bisexual dark pegasus fire wizard trapped in an adult woman's body
7) Out kid was born with a tail, which she now keeps in a jar under her bed. She whispers her secrets to it on a night
8) Our kid's knowledge of the solar system is drawn entirely from The Clangers and Button Moon
9) Our kid kept right on going through hammer time
10) Our kid can and will shit in your shoes if you annoy her
11) Our kid ran away when she was a child, and by ran away I mean she hid behind the curtain and then threw an epic tantrum when we weren't sufficiently distraught at her disappearance.
12) Our kid does not know the rules to hide and seek
13) Our kid does not remove the skin when eating a banana
14) Our kid likes to start every day with a nice, refreshing cup of gravy
15) Our kid saw Thomas and the Magic Railroad in the cinema 23 times.
16) Sometimes, when she's feeling blue, our kid likes to get behind the wheel of her parked car and make brum brum noises
17) Our kid's favourite band is The Wiggles
18) Our kid is incapable of saying the word 'toilet' without  giggling
19) Our kid craves the taste of  human flesh, but will mostly just make do with licking strangers
20) Our kid is in complete agreement with everything that Kanye West has ever said. She also refers to him as Kanye Best
21) Our kid honestly believes if she can't see you, you can't see her and will try to hide by closing her eyes
22) Our kid has yet to walk past a cow without mooing at it.
23) Despite being a health care professional our kid believes that disease is a by product of sin.
24) Our kid has only read four books in her life; The Very Hungry Caterpillar, Each Peach Pear Plum, The Tiger Who Came to Tea and Cervantes's The Ingenious Gentleman Don Quixote of la Mancha in the original Spanish

25) When confronted with food  she doesn't like our kid will simply throw it on the floor.

26) Our kid has been cautioned by police twice for shaving her legs in a public space.
27) Despite being only a little over five foot and having a fairly slim build, our kid weighs approximately 32 stone. This is down to her incredibly dense skeletal structure. This also means that....
28) Our kid is incapable of swimming and must content herself with taking a deep breath and running along the bottom of the pool.
29) Our kid has caught all 719 pokemon, fifteen of which are shinies.
30) Our kid wants Gwen Stefani's Hollaback Girl played at her funeral
31) Our kid keeps a "poop diary"

Happy Birthday Kidder, you Magnificent Moo

Dave Denton